I am tired of putting up a strong front and acting like everything is okay, when really I feel like I’m just going to explode right now. So I am going to tell it like it is. Just know that you have been warned should you choose to read on.
I’ve always been a firm believer in dreaming big. I’ve always believed that you can make your dreams come true if you really want to. I’ve always been a big advocate about the fact that if there is something you really want, and you’re willing to do what it takes to make it happen, you can achieve anything.
I was wrong.
Up until this year I’ve found my theory to be true. If I had a dream, I set out and worked hard and did everything I could to make it come true. And it always did. This year, however, there have been several things I really wanted that have not come to pass. As I always do when I have my heart set on something, I have done everything I could to make these dreams come true. But they didn’t. Everything I had wasn’t good enough. And so my dreams did not come true. Because I didn’t have what it takes to make them into reality.
And what really stinks is that I honestly felt like these things I wanted were also what the Lord wanted for me. He kept telling me that my dreams were righteous desires and that I should move forward in achieving them. Only to have them all blow up in my face.
So now I just feel like a big failure. And not good enough. Or capable enough. And I just feel like I don’t quite fit in anywhere. I guess I’ll go eat worms.
I just want to find my niche…to find something to be excited about again that I am capable of achieving. Is that so wrong?
That’s it. Venting session closed. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Dashed dreams
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14 comments:
Before I end this pity party, I have one more thing to post. The other day I was complaining to Caron about how I thought I was a great catch, and I was frustrated that no one else seemed to think so.
Anyway, I was saying stuff like...
-I may not be an Alaskan salmon, but I'm no guppie.
-I may not be a supermodel, but I'm not ugly.
-I may not be a genius, but I'm not dumb.
-I may not be a stand-up comedian, but I'm not boring.
-I may not be the prophet's wife, but I am strong in the gospel.
...anyway, you get the idea. We were cracking ourselves up. Sometimes we think we are so funny.
But really, I think I'm pretty cool. So I don't get why no nice, normal, righteous young men seem to think so.
OK, I'm really done now.
Hi Christy,
I am a total blog stalker, but I believe I have you to thank for introducing me into the world of blogging. I was up late one night searching the web and checking out the MAM web site, which is where I served my mission oh soooo many years ago. Anyway, I was looking at photos and clicking around and found the link to your blog. I check back every now and then, cause, like I said, I'm a blog stalker. You remind me a lot of myself and I just wanted to let you know that HF hears your prayers and He knows your dreams. It's so hard to be patient. Sorry to bust in on your blog, but I felt like I should share that He will answer you. Don't give up. Good job on the triathalon!!
I think you're pretty cool, too.
Don't get too down on yourself. Remember that story of the guy who pushed a rock forever? I bet he was still pissed and discouraged when he didn't actually move the thing, even though the lessons he learned and the sinuous body he gained were great blessings from God. I like to think even people in stories like that are normal, and have to wait to figure out what the real lesson was.
Everyone gets to be discouraged. You just have to keep moving after you have a few complaining sessions with friends (and sometimes blog stalkers...). Sounds like we might need to head to the Blue Bird to drown those sorrows in a cherry ironport. :)
I've been thinking about what you said. About righteous desires and feeling like Heavenly Father wants what you want. Well, maybe now he is teaching you a lesson on patience. I know that sounds kinda duh, and cliche, but back before I was your roommate there was this guy that I really liked, and felt that he liked me too. Well, I kept praying about what to do about the situation, and I heard a voice in my head say "Be still, and know that I am God." Probably three YEARS later I was friends with another guy, and this guy told me "You will always be option B with Glen." And it's true, I was. And he got married about a year after that. So yeah, Heavenly Father hears us, and sometimes He takes awhile to answer prayers, but He doesn't forget us, and He will lead us, as long as we don't forsake Him.
Hey Christy,
I have beenr reading a lot about the past presidents of the United States lately. Don't ask why...I am just a nerd sometimes. So, anywho, I read something that helped me when I start feeling down on myself for not accomplishing everything I want to in life as of now. Abraham Lincoln tried running for president a few times before he even became a real contender canidate. Then he lost again. Then finally, he ran again and won, and then he was probably the greatest president that we have ever had.
I have problems and hardships that get in the way of me wanting to get back into school so that I can have a chance to go to film school. It has been really hard. It seems like something always comes up that distracts me from being able to do that, and I end up just working more. However, there are great things that have come along because of my misfortunes. It is easy to get discouraged, but it is just as easy to be encouraged again if you have your eyes open and do your best not to dwell on what has gone wrong.
I just have one more piece of advice for you. It is actually symbolism from a favorite movie of mine. It is called "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou". A lot of people didn't like it because they didn't understand what was really trying to be said, but I did.
Steve's friend was eaten by this mysterious shark during a documentary film they were shooting, so Steve gets upset and wants to hunt down the shark and kill it for his next film. So, Steve, his wife, his crew, and his son set out to find the shark, but Steve gets so focused on finding this shark that he looses his wife, his crew starts to hate him, and then they get attacked by pirates from the Ping Islands because they go through unprotected waters to get to where the shark is faster, and he becomes enemies with his son.
After Steve realizes that he has nothing left and that there is no way he can achieve his goal, he finds he is miserable. So, he sets off and goes and wins his wife back, and goes and rescuses the kidnapped members of his crew from the pirates, and he patches things up with his son, and after all of the most important things in his life are back in order, it just so happens that they are right where the shark is. So, they take a submarine down to find it, and when they do, they find that it is a beautiful creature, and Steve decides to not kill it after all.
So, the meaning in the story is basically this. Sometimes we want something so bad that we forget what is most important in our lives, and the great thing is, is that we already have most of it, if not all of it. You have family, your friends, you are a worthy member of the true church of God, you are fun, attractive, and just an all around good person. If you serve the Lord, your friends, and your family and have faith in yourself, that you are really a good person, your goal will find you. However, when it comes, your goal may have changed.
I hope that makes sense to you. Just don't give up on everything. If it didn't work out this time, try again. As for dating relationships, you are a great catch, and you will find someone who will really have his whole heart, mind, and soul invested on you. You shouldn't settle for anything less.
I wish you the best. Angie and I are really glad that you are our friend.
Nate
Thanks everyone for your encouraging words. I know I will be okay...sometimes you just need to vent, ya know?
And just for the record, as far as all these "dreams" are concerned, they didn't all have to do with my dating life. I had some pretty big dreams with school and work and a few other situations that didn't work out that are the source of some of my frustrations as well.
I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I realize where some of your frustration is coming from and I know that that can't be easy. I went through MANY situations before I finally found that special guy to marry, and trust me our relationship while dating wasn't that all together. Maybe things will work out, maybe they won't...but you seem like a fantastic girl and I know that dating or life dreams will come true eventually! Promise! :)
Ok, I just have to comment about Nate giving you the analogy of your life with the movie, The Life Aquatic. Classic Nate for you... and MAN, that was a funny movie! ...but don't go see it because it's *ahem* rated R... and bad...
Anyway, good luck with the goals! Hope you've found some insight in all this good advice here.
Garrett, I definately think an iron port is in store. :)
Hey Christy! I just wanted to say that I think you are one of the most talented, creative, capable people I know. I've always been a bit jealous because you have so much confidence and determination and you always seem to excel at whatever you try. I think that Heavenly Father blesses us all with awesome talents and capablilities, but also we may have some equally as "awesome" struggles or trials. Something that Mike and I have been learning throughout our married life is that sometimes the things we want very most don't work out the way we want them to. However, we've also found that after much patience and faith in Heavenly Father, things usually end up working out better for us than we thought.
I don't know if I've ever told you this or not, but when we decided to have children, we were so excited and thought that once we made the decision to have a baby, 9 months later we'd have a bundle of joy, and everything would be bliss. After about 6 months of not being pregnant I started freaking out and wondering why Heavenly Father wasn't letting me get pregnant. Obviously I eventually did end up pregnant and about 4 months into it we found out that there were problems. The Dr.'s were constantly telling us that this baby probably wouldn't make it full term, and if it did it probably wouldn't survive outside the womb, and if that miracle happened, he'd have all kinds of problems. I was so depressed and wondered how this could happen to two people who were trying to live right and who wanted this righteous desire and I just had a feeling that everything was fine, we just needed to see if we could really trust Heavenly Father, despite what the Dr.'s were telling us. After that I decided that I wasn't going to have more children becuase it was too stressful, but I've since changed my mind on that. I guess I sort of feel like even though things haven't turned out how I wanted them to, they've worked out and I've been pleased with the way they've worked out.
I just want you to know that I really think that you will be happy with the way things work out in your life. It just takes patience and trust. I can't remember who talked about it in conference, but someone said that Heavenly Father really does want us to be happy and sometimes the things that we may have to struggle with short term, bring us the biggest joy long term. I don't really know if that is exactly what was said, but something to that affect.
You are great Christy!! Be patient and enjoy the journey.
Great venting session! I'm proud of you Christy for all that you do. Living with you helped me more than you'll ever know. Hang in there (easier said than done I know!). Whenever you need anything, I'm here for you - always! Keep being you!
PS - This reminds me of my favorite card Jeni has up at work, "Boys are dumb, throw rocks at them!" He He He!
Christy,
Tell Garrett that Nate has a Clearplay DVD player that edits his movies so they aren't bad anymore! lol...And what the heck is an "iron port"? Anyways, I know that not all of your problems are just dating ones. You only added the little part here in the comments about dating, so I think that is why everyone has been touching up a little bit about it because it is the last thing they read and...oh man, I am late for play practice...I gotta go.
This is all I have to say...
I am smart, fun, creative, righteous, strong, cute, determined, responsible, and much much more.
And whoever doesn't want to be a part of that is missing out big time.
I do know that the Lord is aware of me and has a plan for me and wants my happiness. Even if I don't understand all the things that are put in my path, I trust that He knows what He's doing, and won't give me any trials I can't handle or that won't be for my eternal benefit. I know that I will be OK.
P.S. Nate, an iron port is a beverage commonly used for drowning your sorrows.
I'm going to answer the iron port question. It's this fabulous drink at the Bluebird in Logan. It's kind of like rootbeer, but with cherry instead of root (or whatever you call that flavoring). It's an ideal non-beer drinker beverage to drown your sorrows in. It was part of our annual Mexican Fiesta tradition we had going on. We all, as single college students, had sorrows we needed to drown before we could get down to business with the party. Mostly it was just fun to sit at the bar and get together again and catch up on each other's lives. Of course, we always had the drive to the border to catch up, too. But that's a story for another time. Nothing beats a good set of friends.
So. My old high school friend that introduced me to this practice just got married in Logan, and had his luncheon at the Bluebird. They said he made sure everyone had an iron port to drown sorrows in so they could have fun for the rest of the day. It was hilarious, I am sure.
When you go, TAKE ME!!! I heart my logan. And I'm sure I can come up with a few sorrows of my own to drown.
And just to add to the list, Christy, I think you are a great catch. : ) And as previously discussed, it will all work out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, then it's not the end.
And, for the record, we ARE that funny.
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